Story
I respectfully ask permission to tell this circle of women my story. I ask the Grandmothers and the young ones to allow me to share what I have learned about being a woman, the good things and the not-so-good things. Perhaps the young women amongst us can learn something that will help them in the future, but I suspect that each of them will have to live their stories through their own mistakes and their particular descents, sacrifices, and returns. Ah well, so it usually is. To begin:
I believe that the lifespan of my marriage was one long cycle of descent, sacrifice, and return with individual events that created their own cycles. The marriage itself was a cycle that took most of a lifetime to run its course and outlive its usefulness and to teach me what I needed to know to return home to myself. Truly, marriage is like the interlocking spirals of our DNA; it has a life all its own.
I married very young, too young. I entered into this most serious and holy union a virgin in the sense that my ideals, hopes, and dreams were still new and untarnished. I had not yet tasted the bitterness of descent of any kind. Like all very young women, girl really, I had a vision of a perfect life: the white picket fence, the dog in the yard, and beautiful, well-behaved children. My young husband was so handsome and all his words were just right and exactly what I needed and wanted to hear (and take heed of men like this….often there is little substance behind such perfection).
The first vague sense of uneasiness began to manifest itself into my consciousness about five years into the marriage. I had begun suspecting that many of the beautiful words my young husband had told me were lies; I could not, at that time, put my finger on why I felt this way. Such thoughts seemed a betrayal and so I pushed them deep down where I could pretend they did not exist. I decided to throw myself into being a good wife and mother to my two small sons. This seemed to me a good solution. I believed if I just became…more… everything would be alright. If I just completely “bought” into the local mores and dictates of what a “good and proper” wife looked like, acted like, things would improve and I would be happy. (A caution here young women: take a good, hard look at what you are “owning” and make sure it is yours to hold and not someone else’s.)
Living this way, not being true to my nature, and ignoring my need for mental stimulation, activities that challenged, and not allowing myself my more esoteric interests created a soul-deep and painful descent within the larger framework of the cycle of descent, sacrifice, and return of my married life, which caused me to lose myself for a very long time. The wise writer, Penelope Washburn, suggests that women need to retain a sense of uniqueness and autonomy to experience marriage with any sort of grace (p. 84); I did not have such inner-resources. My own culture did not teach such things nor would have likely condoned it. Women’s jobs were to be “helpmates” to their husbands and to raise children. My descent into depression of the truly dark, debilitating kind was a long one, and it was horribly compounded by the knowledge that I had followed my cultures dictates into a life I was eminently unsuited for. Depression and guilt were my constant companions; I went nowhere without them. Unlike Persephone, I did not have a mother who would descend to the depths and lead me back to the light and teach me balance. My poor, much-loved mother lives in her own Hades of unhappiness and depression. Who will rescue her?
Living in such a blind and dishonest way, I lost my soul for a time and had no path to follow. I looked miserable and felt hopeless. I lacked the courage to take my dissatisfaction and unhappiness out and look at them; I refused to accept my culpability in my unhappiness. (If you take nothing else from my story, think on the importance of courage!) By refusing to examine my inner-self, I began sacrificing my most essential being on the altar of “fitting in.” I believed, on some unenlightened level, that by forcing myself into a mold that hurt me, I was doing the “right thing” for my children. My dearest friend and amazing wise woman, Kelly, asked me at the time, “But, what are you teaching them about living life and about relationships by not becoming who you really are?” I was not ready to begin the ascent at the time; I stayed in the dark place of self-pitying sacrifice for a very long time.
Those years were dark and unhappy indeed. However, slowly, slowly I began the ascent to the light of self-knowledge and the beginnings of self-acceptance. Returning to school was the largest act of courage I had ever enacted and saved my life because at the same time, my life with the handsome husband was becoming increasingly difficult and soul-deadening. My suspicions about the pretty words and deeds were indeed correct: my handsome young husband was a pathological liar and classic narcissist. I learned that he was indeed young and would always remain so, at least in his psyche and mind; I realized that I was parenting him and not well.
It is an excellent thing (for me) that I was well into the middle of my ascent back to the light of my most authentic self during the last years of this long learning cycle because I was to be dropped into a new descent, sacrifice, and return cycle—one of those interlocking spiral events I mentioned earlier. The handsome young husband began acting strangely. He stayed out all night more and more often, something he had never done before. I would get angry and demand to know where he was and what he was doing; these confrontations resulted in his holding me down twice and forcibly raping me. He broke my arm. It was a bad time. I was suddenly and without warning evicted from my home and the business we had was lost. The husband was finally arrested and his drug addiction to Methamphetimes came to light.
I was angry for a long time about the losses suffered—too angry to see the lessons the universe was teaching me. Finally though, I came to a place of acceptance (I began ascending from the darkness—yet again) and began looking at the event without the emotional storm that had previously surrounded it. I discovered that I needed to base my self-worth on whom I was, not what I had. I had become rather arrogant in my material belongings; I preened. I was self-congratulatory about my large house, handsome husband (liar though he was); I had been taking much of my identity from things outside myself rather than nurturing the seed of my most authentic self and becoming that woman, that spirit.
I made much progress (but alas, not enough!) during those introspection days. I stayed with the handsome husband because I reasoned that everyone has flaws and things to heal and mend my own self especially. I realize in retrospect that I had not truly returned to myself by making the decision to stay with him; it was a fear-based decision and thus a poor one: I still did not believe in my own efficacy and power. Ascent and return takes a very long time, indeed, I think it never really ends.
The marriage was never the same; of course not, how could it be? I tried very hard to be more of what he said he wanted (see, young ones, how easy it is to fall back into descent and sacrifice—courage, diligence, and self-awareness need be always foremost in your lives!). I knew, in my most honest inner-self that I was telling myself lies this time; I could not remain in this cycle and survive intact. However, old conditioning urged me to continue to try. Finally, the handsome husband’s very young, Jamaican girlfriend called and released me from my self-created prison, and I was free to rise up and reclaim my light! I learned courage and the need to strive for wholeness. I began to wonder what a healthy relationship might look like (I have not experienced that one yet). I started to reclaim my long-forgotten gifts. I learned to value being alone and being more than ok with it and all this is only the beginning!
I see some of the grandmothers nodding their heads in recognition; my story is not original; it has been enacted many times, with many women, in many times. But, this is MY story and thus important to me. It is my wish that by sharing it with other women there can be some descents avoided and if not, and I suspect not—there is hope for wholeness and there is proof that there is a return. There is, I swear it.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Rite of Passage--Turning 50
Rite of Passage (or Turning 50: A Juicy Crone)
I do think it is one of the ills of our current culture that there are so few “official” rites of passage. The markers from childhood to young adulthood are so fuzzy as to be indistinct, which creates, I think, an extended adolescence. Without these markers, it is easy to stay dependent on others for so many things—money, housing, but most detrimentally—thinking.
With such an extended adolescence comes the fixation on youthfulness in our culture, perhaps if our culture had official markers the elderly would be revered rather than forgotten or even reviled. If one could pass into a “wisdom holder” stage with age, the value of all people might remain intact. I suspect so anyway.
Because I am working on accepting the aging process, and I do not love it at present, I have decided to create my own rite of passage when I turn fifty, which is only four years away. Goddess, but that sounds old. I want to approach the half century mark with joy rather than dread.
To this end, I plan to begin by having a gathering of women of all ages that I like, a party atmosphere with lots of laughing, talking, drinking, and eating. It need not even be my birthday. The purpose to this party is more of a send off: I want to go to India for a whole month and live in an ashram.
I do think it is one of the ills of our current culture that there are so few “official” rites of passage. The markers from childhood to young adulthood are so fuzzy as to be indistinct, which creates, I think, an extended adolescence. Without these markers, it is easy to stay dependent on others for so many things—money, housing, but most detrimentally—thinking.
With such an extended adolescence comes the fixation on youthfulness in our culture, perhaps if our culture had official markers the elderly would be revered rather than forgotten or even reviled. If one could pass into a “wisdom holder” stage with age, the value of all people might remain intact. I suspect so anyway.
Because I am working on accepting the aging process, and I do not love it at present, I have decided to create my own rite of passage when I turn fifty, which is only four years away. Goddess, but that sounds old. I want to approach the half century mark with joy rather than dread.
To this end, I plan to begin by having a gathering of women of all ages that I like, a party atmosphere with lots of laughing, talking, drinking, and eating. It need not even be my birthday. The purpose to this party is more of a send off: I want to go to India for a whole month and live in an ashram.
Letter of Initiation
Assignment D
Dear One,
Welcome young sister! Welcome to the beginning of learning of what a woman is. It is a journey of great strength and great blessings. As your body makes this magnificent transition from girl-child to woman, revel in the changes and know that they are good. This marker is just the beginning-point on a journey of laughter, tears, joy, and pain; it is life lived in vitality and fullness. Little sister, know that you are surrounded with loving, older sister-friends who welcome and support you in your becoming woman. It is this common thread of bleeding that connects us all with an unbreakable cord of unity.
Young one, becoming woman is about owning yourself and learning your strengths and your weaknesses. To be a woman is to be strong, graceful, and yes, forceful when necessary. It is also about setting boundaries with others; it is for you to decide what is acceptable to your woman-self. Let no one tell you that you cannot: cannot achieve, cannot create, and cannot be enough just as you are. Do not hide your womanly self, be bold, be strong, be gentle, be fierce and be love.
During your bleeding time, know that you are intimately connected to our mother the earth. Your blood is her blood. Honor her and yourself by giving yourself time alone to rest, relax, and meditate on what your life means and where you wish to go. Do not allow others to tell you what that means or how it should look or be; your gifts of language, creativity, and joyfulness will take you to the destination that you choose. Know Daughter that your very being is essential to the fabric of life and the world cannot do without you. Be your most authentic woman-self. Be grateful for your womanhood. Define yourself and love yourself. You are magnificent. You are perfect just as you are.
You are welcomed with love!
Lori
Grandmother Journal
Journey Reflection
Grandmother piece
While reading the material for the journey assignment, I connected with it in terms of journeys of the heart rather than to physical places. My thoughts immediately centered on my own life journey and those who have influenced, or carried, and loved me along the way thus far. While reflecting about the many sorts of journeys one can take, the subject of love came foremost to my mind and with that came the thought of my grandmother. My grandmother, Hattie, was the one person with whom I felt unequivocally, unconditionally loved. Connecting my grandmother and journeys really came about because the idea of love’s journey is symbolized by weekend trips to my grandmother’s house. Now, my Grandma only lived about twenty minutes away, so there was no actual “journey” or trip involved in a real, physical sense going there, but the difference emotionally was as if I truly went somewhere else. All this is not to say that I was abused at home or even unloved, but there was a difference in the sense of love and safety that going to grandma’s house created.
When I began creating the piece, I felt a strong need to use watercolor to create the figure of the grandmother in the center. The softness and blend ability of the medium perfectly reflected the emotional attachment that my grandmother and I shared. Whenever I think of my grandma, I see her quilted, pink robe with the crystal buttons down the front, which she wrapped around me in the cool, early morning. This soft pink color represents safety and love to me.
Underneath the “old woman, grandmother energy” my grandmother most assuredly had, there was and is (when she visits me) a joyful, playful energy. There is a part of my grandmother that is butterflies, hummingbirds, flowers, and fairies. It is this youthful energy that comes to me when I meditate, along with humming birds that fly into my “face” whenever I need reminding to feel joy. I draped floral, gauzy fabric around the figure holding the baby, who is me, of course, because that represents her essential being: light, joyful, and young. The stickers are the bright, incandescent type to represent those qualities.
I had little “choice” in this piece; it simply became. The piece symbolizes all of love’s voyages for me and what I wish to create in my ongoing relationships and future relationship journeys. And reminds me that life, attitude, and the passage through are what I make them.
Embracing Being an Older Woman
In a culture that reveres youth, aging is generally viewed with repugnance and as something to be avoided at all costs. The penalty for aging is particularly high for women in today’s world. Older women can be, and often are, viewed as unattractive, matronly, and worse: not seen at all. Matters are not helped by the media’s depiction of supposedly older women in beauty and wrinkle treatment advertisements that proclaim that “forty is the new thirty.” Whereas on the surface this appears to be a sort of tacit permission to age and that one can be sexy no matter one’s age, the reality is rarely do any of these actresses have any natural signs of aging whatsoever. Of course, the message is unrealistic and meant to sell products; and more insidiously dangerous, Kilbourne (1999) suggests that advertising is an active creator of society rather than a mirror simply reflecting the culture’s values (p.67).
However, more difficult to understand and to dismiss as unrealistic is the way advertising, the media, and the pursuit of beauty appears to have replaced religion in some senses. It might even be said that the pursuit of everlasting youth and beauty are components of the material religion. Kilbourne (1999) goes so far as to say, “Advertising is not only our physical environment, it is increasingly our spiritual environment as well. By definition, however, it is only interested in materialistic values” (p. 67). Wolf (2002) suggests the art and rites of beauty procedures have replaced religious rites in our media and youth-driven culture (pp. 87-92). Because the ideals of youth and beauty are so enmeshed in many aspects of the culture, it is difficult not to judge one’s self by the plastic versions of womanhood plastered on billboards and in magazines.
Given the often negative messages that middle-aged women receive from the culture at large, how do women no longer young and not yet old learn to accept themselves and achieve a sense of worth, beauty, and wholeness?
Perhaps what is needed is an alternative viewpoint that women can embrace and use as a means of transcending the cultural imperative of youthful beauty. For some women, exploring the goddess mythologies and most particularly the crone aspect can supply a different, more powerful meaning to being a “middle-aged” woman. The goddess mythologies provide a more in-depth and comprehensive view of femininity in all stages; the crone phase of the life of a woman does not have to be one of fading beauty, sexuality, or power. In fact, some comparative research by Sacks (1992) on middle-age women in various cultures states,
First and foremost, this is the time in which a woman enjoys her greatest power,
status, and autonomy. In some cultures this increase in power and status is gradual;
in others, there is sharp break with earlier requirements for women’s seclusion and deferential behavior. Second, both in societies that sharply oppress young women and those that have egalitarian gender ideologies, the freedom, prestige, and authority of women increases at middle age and comes closer to that of men than it did in earlier years. So, whether it is seen in relation to a woman’s own life or in relations to the lives of men of her culture and generation, middle age is a woman’s prime. (Cited in Ward, 2003, p.68).
With such modern emphasis on the exterior and the superficial, it is all too easy to forget that middle-aged women have much to offer: wisdom, beauty, and strength of character. It would appear that a balance must be struck between living within the culture and yet not embodying the culture. Goldberg (1991) sums this balance up,
Success means balancing out being successful in the world and getting caught up or
tossed away by it. Success to me is being able to handle it and got getting turned around by believing other people’s ideas about who I am—being able to keep it in balance and
keep my life in balance (Cited in Rountree, p.194).
Unfortunately, this balance is difficult to achieve for many modern women. The present, highly visually-centered culture gives women few meaningful roles and/or role models to help ease the transition from young woman to middle-age woman. Perera (1981) says, “We also feel unseen because there are not images alive to reflect our wholeness and variety” (p. 12).
Given the lack of realistic alternative versions in the public eye of what is beautiful, attractive, and acceptable, there appears nowhere to go but obscurity as beauty (as defined by popular culture) fades. Conversely, Ward (2003) states in times past and in some cultures presently, reaching middle-age or past into old-age was an achievement, one which imbued women with wisdom, strength, and power; women were the village wise-women, healers and mid-wives, and this was/is also the time that a women’s individuality is more freely expressed (pp. 68-70).
Despite the lack of roles to step into such as village healer or wise-woman, there are other means for transcending the media interpretation of what middle-aged women are and creating a sense of strength, power, and individuality. Such transitions often require introspection, work, and, ultimately, redefining one’s idea of womanhood at middle-age. Researching the crone in goddess mythology is one way to redefine oneself during the transition. Becoming a crone does not mean giving up one’s identity as a woman, only letting go of what no longer works or applies to one’s present circumstance.
In current imagination and present speech, the crone has been portrayed as hag, witch, or harridan—all uncomplimentary labels and meant to evoke fear. Silverman (2008, January 17) says that words such as crone or witch were once positive terms for older women who were leaders, mid-wives, and healers. She states that the Spanish Inquisition changed the meaning of these words to have negative connotations. Silverman also claims that a resurgence of interest in reclaiming the crone’s positive aspect is now present in our society (p. 2).
Embracing the transition from young woman to middle-aged woman necessitates accepting an ending of a version of one’s self but also acknowledging that one is still the same person in many significant ways. Bridges (2004) suggests while middle age often is a time of upheaval, transitions are not “(…) the result not just of new factors but of a mixture of old and new ones” (p. 40).
One of the new factors that some women face is the loss of youthful face and body that can seem so important for a sense of worth and sexiness according to much advertising and popular culture. Perhaps what is needed is a more “subversive” (Featherston, pp. 50-51) way of looking at the current culture. Featherston (1991) suggests looking at the “myths, traditions, and ideas that constitute normal in our culture, and questioning it, looking at it differently (…)” (p.51). Whereas the loss of acceptability by the standards of current culture does not always affect a woman’s inner sense of self significantly, for others it can be a difficult transition. Bridges quotes a seminar participant who sums up this dichotomy nicely, “’It’s the mirror that does it to you first, I think,’” said Betty on one of the final nights of the seminar. “’I still thought of myself as I had been ten years earlier, but one day I looked in the mirror and said, “Where’d you come from, old gal? What ever happened to Betty—the girl who used to live here?’” (p. 41).
As women are faced, quite literally, with evidence that they are no longer young or beautiful by today’s ever younger and increasingly rigid standards, something must replace the easy answer of face and body for a sense of worth. The study of various goddess and archetypes can be helpful in defining oneself as a still sexual, attractive, and powerful woman. Often what happens when one is transitioning from one archetype (maiden to mother to crone) to another is what Bolen (1984), says, “[sic] within a woman, the goddesses may vie among themselves, or one may rule” (p.266). Perhaps what must happen is that the older goddesses must gain supremacy in the group or what Bolen (1984) refers to as the “committee” (pp. 266-267).
As the positive notion of the crone takes a place in women’s collective consciousness, with the positive attributes of “wisdom, compassion, transformation, healing laughter, and bawdiness’ (Silverman, 2008, January 17), perhaps more women can ignore or at least give less weight to the current cultural imperative of everlasting youthfulness and flawless beauty and find delight and joy in being themselves as they age and embody the crone aspect of the goddess.
The rewards of such redefinition and ignoring the youth imperative may be great for some women. With enough years of experiences, both good and bad, a woman may experience resurgence in self-confidence to do as she pleases, do compassionate service, and enjoy the earthier aspects of what it means to be a woman. Razak (1991) tells of a friend’s mother who is a sexually-demanding mistress at age seventy and goes on to say, “I think that’s great; I aspire to be a sexually demanding sixty-or seventy-year-old!” (Cited in Rountree, 1991, p. 87). The crone phase honors this sense of bawdiness and freedom. Regardless of the mythology of the current youth-oriented and oftentimes unrealistic beauty standard, it would appear that older women can be sexy, powerful, and complete as they are.
The current culture would have us believe that only the young are sensual, sexual, vital and beautiful. Because the media and advertising still dictate what is desirable, many women will continue to strive to attain mostly unrealistic physical goals and detrimental ideals of appearance; sadly, some middle-aged women will never question the media-created image of what women should be but rarely in actuality are.
Perhaps by learning about and embracing the positive aspects of the crone, it may be possible for some women to transcend the rather narrow cultural view of what is acceptable, desirable, and powerful. The study of the crone goddesses may be helpful in defining what middle-age actually can be rather than what the current cultural myths would have us believe it is. Rising above the superficial, appearance-oriented, and quasi-religious beauty imperative by studying the older goddess forms may give middle-aged women a sense of the sacredness of experiencing life as an authentic woman rather than as a culturally acceptable mannequin.
References
Bolen, J. S. (1984). Goddesses in everywoman: A new psychology of women.
New York: Harper & Row.
Bridges, W. (2004). Transitions: Making sense of life’s changes (2nd ed).
Cambridge, MA: Da Capo Press.
Featherston, E. (1991). In C. Rountree (Ed.) On women turning forty: Coming into our
fullness. Freedom CA: The Crossing Press.
Kilbourne, J. (1999). Can’t buy my love: How advertising changes the way we
look and feel. New York: Touchstone.
Perera, S. B. (1981). Descent to the goddess: A way of initiation for women.
Toronto, Canada: Inner City Books.
Razak, R. (1991). In C. Rountree (Ed.). On women turning forty: Coming into our
fullness. Freedom CA: The Crossing Press.
Silverman, A. (n.d.) The ancient crone. Crones Counsel Inc. Retrieved January 14, 2008
From http://www.cronescounsel.org/who/htm.
Ward, M. C. (2003). A world full of women (3rd ed). Boston: Pearson Education, Inc.
Wolf, N. (2002). The beauty myth: How images of beauty are used against women.
New York: HarperCollins.
However, more difficult to understand and to dismiss as unrealistic is the way advertising, the media, and the pursuit of beauty appears to have replaced religion in some senses. It might even be said that the pursuit of everlasting youth and beauty are components of the material religion. Kilbourne (1999) goes so far as to say, “Advertising is not only our physical environment, it is increasingly our spiritual environment as well. By definition, however, it is only interested in materialistic values” (p. 67). Wolf (2002) suggests the art and rites of beauty procedures have replaced religious rites in our media and youth-driven culture (pp. 87-92). Because the ideals of youth and beauty are so enmeshed in many aspects of the culture, it is difficult not to judge one’s self by the plastic versions of womanhood plastered on billboards and in magazines.
Given the often negative messages that middle-aged women receive from the culture at large, how do women no longer young and not yet old learn to accept themselves and achieve a sense of worth, beauty, and wholeness?
Perhaps what is needed is an alternative viewpoint that women can embrace and use as a means of transcending the cultural imperative of youthful beauty. For some women, exploring the goddess mythologies and most particularly the crone aspect can supply a different, more powerful meaning to being a “middle-aged” woman. The goddess mythologies provide a more in-depth and comprehensive view of femininity in all stages; the crone phase of the life of a woman does not have to be one of fading beauty, sexuality, or power. In fact, some comparative research by Sacks (1992) on middle-age women in various cultures states,
First and foremost, this is the time in which a woman enjoys her greatest power,
status, and autonomy. In some cultures this increase in power and status is gradual;
in others, there is sharp break with earlier requirements for women’s seclusion and deferential behavior. Second, both in societies that sharply oppress young women and those that have egalitarian gender ideologies, the freedom, prestige, and authority of women increases at middle age and comes closer to that of men than it did in earlier years. So, whether it is seen in relation to a woman’s own life or in relations to the lives of men of her culture and generation, middle age is a woman’s prime. (Cited in Ward, 2003, p.68).
With such modern emphasis on the exterior and the superficial, it is all too easy to forget that middle-aged women have much to offer: wisdom, beauty, and strength of character. It would appear that a balance must be struck between living within the culture and yet not embodying the culture. Goldberg (1991) sums this balance up,
Success means balancing out being successful in the world and getting caught up or
tossed away by it. Success to me is being able to handle it and got getting turned around by believing other people’s ideas about who I am—being able to keep it in balance and
keep my life in balance (Cited in Rountree, p.194).
Unfortunately, this balance is difficult to achieve for many modern women. The present, highly visually-centered culture gives women few meaningful roles and/or role models to help ease the transition from young woman to middle-age woman. Perera (1981) says, “We also feel unseen because there are not images alive to reflect our wholeness and variety” (p. 12).
Given the lack of realistic alternative versions in the public eye of what is beautiful, attractive, and acceptable, there appears nowhere to go but obscurity as beauty (as defined by popular culture) fades. Conversely, Ward (2003) states in times past and in some cultures presently, reaching middle-age or past into old-age was an achievement, one which imbued women with wisdom, strength, and power; women were the village wise-women, healers and mid-wives, and this was/is also the time that a women’s individuality is more freely expressed (pp. 68-70).
Despite the lack of roles to step into such as village healer or wise-woman, there are other means for transcending the media interpretation of what middle-aged women are and creating a sense of strength, power, and individuality. Such transitions often require introspection, work, and, ultimately, redefining one’s idea of womanhood at middle-age. Researching the crone in goddess mythology is one way to redefine oneself during the transition. Becoming a crone does not mean giving up one’s identity as a woman, only letting go of what no longer works or applies to one’s present circumstance.
In current imagination and present speech, the crone has been portrayed as hag, witch, or harridan—all uncomplimentary labels and meant to evoke fear. Silverman (2008, January 17) says that words such as crone or witch were once positive terms for older women who were leaders, mid-wives, and healers. She states that the Spanish Inquisition changed the meaning of these words to have negative connotations. Silverman also claims that a resurgence of interest in reclaiming the crone’s positive aspect is now present in our society (p. 2).
Embracing the transition from young woman to middle-aged woman necessitates accepting an ending of a version of one’s self but also acknowledging that one is still the same person in many significant ways. Bridges (2004) suggests while middle age often is a time of upheaval, transitions are not “(…) the result not just of new factors but of a mixture of old and new ones” (p. 40).
One of the new factors that some women face is the loss of youthful face and body that can seem so important for a sense of worth and sexiness according to much advertising and popular culture. Perhaps what is needed is a more “subversive” (Featherston, pp. 50-51) way of looking at the current culture. Featherston (1991) suggests looking at the “myths, traditions, and ideas that constitute normal in our culture, and questioning it, looking at it differently (…)” (p.51). Whereas the loss of acceptability by the standards of current culture does not always affect a woman’s inner sense of self significantly, for others it can be a difficult transition. Bridges quotes a seminar participant who sums up this dichotomy nicely, “’It’s the mirror that does it to you first, I think,’” said Betty on one of the final nights of the seminar. “’I still thought of myself as I had been ten years earlier, but one day I looked in the mirror and said, “Where’d you come from, old gal? What ever happened to Betty—the girl who used to live here?’” (p. 41).
As women are faced, quite literally, with evidence that they are no longer young or beautiful by today’s ever younger and increasingly rigid standards, something must replace the easy answer of face and body for a sense of worth. The study of various goddess and archetypes can be helpful in defining oneself as a still sexual, attractive, and powerful woman. Often what happens when one is transitioning from one archetype (maiden to mother to crone) to another is what Bolen (1984), says, “[sic] within a woman, the goddesses may vie among themselves, or one may rule” (p.266). Perhaps what must happen is that the older goddesses must gain supremacy in the group or what Bolen (1984) refers to as the “committee” (pp. 266-267).
As the positive notion of the crone takes a place in women’s collective consciousness, with the positive attributes of “wisdom, compassion, transformation, healing laughter, and bawdiness’ (Silverman, 2008, January 17), perhaps more women can ignore or at least give less weight to the current cultural imperative of everlasting youthfulness and flawless beauty and find delight and joy in being themselves as they age and embody the crone aspect of the goddess.
The rewards of such redefinition and ignoring the youth imperative may be great for some women. With enough years of experiences, both good and bad, a woman may experience resurgence in self-confidence to do as she pleases, do compassionate service, and enjoy the earthier aspects of what it means to be a woman. Razak (1991) tells of a friend’s mother who is a sexually-demanding mistress at age seventy and goes on to say, “I think that’s great; I aspire to be a sexually demanding sixty-or seventy-year-old!” (Cited in Rountree, 1991, p. 87). The crone phase honors this sense of bawdiness and freedom. Regardless of the mythology of the current youth-oriented and oftentimes unrealistic beauty standard, it would appear that older women can be sexy, powerful, and complete as they are.
The current culture would have us believe that only the young are sensual, sexual, vital and beautiful. Because the media and advertising still dictate what is desirable, many women will continue to strive to attain mostly unrealistic physical goals and detrimental ideals of appearance; sadly, some middle-aged women will never question the media-created image of what women should be but rarely in actuality are.
Perhaps by learning about and embracing the positive aspects of the crone, it may be possible for some women to transcend the rather narrow cultural view of what is acceptable, desirable, and powerful. The study of the crone goddesses may be helpful in defining what middle-age actually can be rather than what the current cultural myths would have us believe it is. Rising above the superficial, appearance-oriented, and quasi-religious beauty imperative by studying the older goddess forms may give middle-aged women a sense of the sacredness of experiencing life as an authentic woman rather than as a culturally acceptable mannequin.
References
Bolen, J. S. (1984). Goddesses in everywoman: A new psychology of women.
New York: Harper & Row.
Bridges, W. (2004). Transitions: Making sense of life’s changes (2nd ed).
Cambridge, MA: Da Capo Press.
Featherston, E. (1991). In C. Rountree (Ed.) On women turning forty: Coming into our
fullness. Freedom CA: The Crossing Press.
Kilbourne, J. (1999). Can’t buy my love: How advertising changes the way we
look and feel. New York: Touchstone.
Perera, S. B. (1981). Descent to the goddess: A way of initiation for women.
Toronto, Canada: Inner City Books.
Razak, R. (1991). In C. Rountree (Ed.). On women turning forty: Coming into our
fullness. Freedom CA: The Crossing Press.
Silverman, A. (n.d.) The ancient crone. Crones Counsel Inc. Retrieved January 14, 2008
From http://www.cronescounsel.org/who/htm.
Ward, M. C. (2003). A world full of women (3rd ed). Boston: Pearson Education, Inc.
Wolf, N. (2002). The beauty myth: How images of beauty are used against women.
New York: HarperCollins.
Cultivate Maturity
Cultivate Maturity
It is interesting to me how often lessons seem to pop into our lives on cue I have been particularly enjoying the articles and chapters on resacralizing the feminine and the female body in particular. I loved all the readings but was completely captivated by Deena Metzger’s essay in To Be a Woman. I had been pondering how tragic it is for women to have their bodies seen as something dirty, something to be hidden away, the cause of social ills. I have been outraged for years by the dichotomous messages of our culture: sex is everywhere: ads, billboards, television, and yet women who too obviously indulge (“man-like” behaviors?) in sexual behavior are still whores. It was while reading the chapters on the animus and anima and the return of the Holy Prostitute that a man, who randomly shows up like the proverbial “bad penny,” called me. Now, he and I have a less-than-normal or pleasant history, having met online…a bad idea all around…and our conversation came around to sex (this was the problem all along—no respect for me as a human being).
During this conversation, he said something that has made me think hard about many things regarding femininity, the sacredness of the body, what spiritual maturity looks like, and how much damage the patriarchy has done to men, especially in this culture. While talking about his possible partner he is struggling to define his relationship with, he made the comment that while she shared his interest in sustainable farming, there was something lacking in the relationship when it came to passion. He then made a comment that rocked me back: he said: “It’s like you need someone for the daylight hours and someone else for the nighttime.” My first thought was how tragic that he perceives intimate relationships that way. How dichotomous and torn. The more I pondered this interesting, and distasteful, conversation the more I could see that some men are still caught up in the “Madonna and Whore” syndrome. Dark and light. Good and Bad. Black and white thinking to the nth degree. The inability to see a woman as whole and full of potential lies at the root of much pain in relationships, never mind the societal implications!
While I could go on and on about the social ills caused by these kind of male power plays and the damage they do to women and most assuredly they do and have, I have been thinking about how damaged such men are. To live internally so split and torn and to see other beings as halves to be used. At a soul level, this is like a sickness to me. I fully agree that spiritual maturity is different for women, measured as it is against such a damaged power structure. Men, too, pay the price for this division.
I believe that, for me, spiritual maturity is about healing the damage done and letting go of the anger; by this I do not mean to say that I do not have some righteous anger and a wish to change things; I do. However, the kind of anger that cripples one and stops us from integrating our spirituality, our sacredness of physical self is what needs to be let go of. For me, part of that process is embracing my physical being and respecting it and my Self enough to say no to others who would disrespect me or only see me as one aspect of a total being. Additionally, maturity is also seeing the value in sometimes distasteful conversations because you just never know when an epiphany will occur
It is interesting to me how often lessons seem to pop into our lives on cue I have been particularly enjoying the articles and chapters on resacralizing the feminine and the female body in particular. I loved all the readings but was completely captivated by Deena Metzger’s essay in To Be a Woman. I had been pondering how tragic it is for women to have their bodies seen as something dirty, something to be hidden away, the cause of social ills. I have been outraged for years by the dichotomous messages of our culture: sex is everywhere: ads, billboards, television, and yet women who too obviously indulge (“man-like” behaviors?) in sexual behavior are still whores. It was while reading the chapters on the animus and anima and the return of the Holy Prostitute that a man, who randomly shows up like the proverbial “bad penny,” called me. Now, he and I have a less-than-normal or pleasant history, having met online…a bad idea all around…and our conversation came around to sex (this was the problem all along—no respect for me as a human being).
During this conversation, he said something that has made me think hard about many things regarding femininity, the sacredness of the body, what spiritual maturity looks like, and how much damage the patriarchy has done to men, especially in this culture. While talking about his possible partner he is struggling to define his relationship with, he made the comment that while she shared his interest in sustainable farming, there was something lacking in the relationship when it came to passion. He then made a comment that rocked me back: he said: “It’s like you need someone for the daylight hours and someone else for the nighttime.” My first thought was how tragic that he perceives intimate relationships that way. How dichotomous and torn. The more I pondered this interesting, and distasteful, conversation the more I could see that some men are still caught up in the “Madonna and Whore” syndrome. Dark and light. Good and Bad. Black and white thinking to the nth degree. The inability to see a woman as whole and full of potential lies at the root of much pain in relationships, never mind the societal implications!
While I could go on and on about the social ills caused by these kind of male power plays and the damage they do to women and most assuredly they do and have, I have been thinking about how damaged such men are. To live internally so split and torn and to see other beings as halves to be used. At a soul level, this is like a sickness to me. I fully agree that spiritual maturity is different for women, measured as it is against such a damaged power structure. Men, too, pay the price for this division.
I believe that, for me, spiritual maturity is about healing the damage done and letting go of the anger; by this I do not mean to say that I do not have some righteous anger and a wish to change things; I do. However, the kind of anger that cripples one and stops us from integrating our spirituality, our sacredness of physical self is what needs to be let go of. For me, part of that process is embracing my physical being and respecting it and my Self enough to say no to others who would disrespect me or only see me as one aspect of a total being. Additionally, maturity is also seeing the value in sometimes distasteful conversations because you just never know when an epiphany will occur
Feminist Theory/Organic Inquiry
Feminist Approach
Organic Inquiry
I have mixed-emotions and responses to both feminist theories—relational-cultural and organic inquiry. On the positive side of each is the focus on women—how they interact, think, and relate is the focus. I am always pleased by women being considered in their own psychological right rather than “just different from men,” which seems condescending and trivializing—much like the traditional patriarchal theological myth that women were created from a bit of leftover man. I also resonate with the study of women by women because I believe that shared, lived experience is ultimately more important to understanding why people, female or male, do /feel/think the things they do.
Conversely, I struggle a bit with relational-cultural theory and organic theory in that they may open the door for empiricists to pigeon-hole females more firmly into “help-mate” or secondary roles or irrational/feeling lack of scientific objectivity (which is a myth also). Of course, once one studies the methodology and research behind the theories, it is easy to see that they encompass complex subject matter. Still, it seems that focusing so heavily on the fact that women often define themselves by the way they relate to others could be misconstrued as not having an identity independent of the people surrounding them, hence the still-existing traditional (in many places, alas) gender roles.
However, scientific-method misgivings aside, at an intuitive and transpersonal level, organic inquiry makes much sense and has great value, I think. Truly, how many of us do not define ourselves through our experiences in our relationships and culture—male and female? As human beings is it even possible to do otherwise?
Power-dynamics aside, most of us are direct products of our environments until we embark on intentional, conscious journeys and begin learning new ways of “seeing.” It has been my educational experience at ITP that much of what we study is a mixture of science and organic inquiry. Perhaps all science is—I am not entirely sure, to be honest. I must say that the process of organic inquiry is appealing to me. It seems to place equal value on all experiences but uses what have been considered female attributes of heightened perception, intuitive knowing, and communication skills. I believe that all humans possess the innate ability to use these modalities but social constructs have created artificial gender divisions in skills. Of course, my biological knowledge is limited, so there may be a larger biological component to these feeling modalities than I am aware of, which of course limits my ability to reason about this subject.
Honestly, however, I must still admit that helping others through shared experience and by inviting others into our transformative process is wonderful. I use this at work as do most of my co-workers, which of course, takes us back into relational-cultural theory--relationships and culture color and inform our perspectives and sense of self.
I think that I have just realized what most created my misgivings on these two theories, scientific pigeon-holing aside: I think they are “part-and-parcel” of one another. I am unsure how the two theories can be separated. We approach most everything through a perspective largely created through our cultural expectations, limitations, and expressions/experiences and then take those experiences and analyze them, create realities, and share our visions after that process has been completed. I really do not think the theories can be separated in their end result—better understanding of people—male and female.
Organic Inquiry
I have mixed-emotions and responses to both feminist theories—relational-cultural and organic inquiry. On the positive side of each is the focus on women—how they interact, think, and relate is the focus. I am always pleased by women being considered in their own psychological right rather than “just different from men,” which seems condescending and trivializing—much like the traditional patriarchal theological myth that women were created from a bit of leftover man. I also resonate with the study of women by women because I believe that shared, lived experience is ultimately more important to understanding why people, female or male, do /feel/think the things they do.
Conversely, I struggle a bit with relational-cultural theory and organic theory in that they may open the door for empiricists to pigeon-hole females more firmly into “help-mate” or secondary roles or irrational/feeling lack of scientific objectivity (which is a myth also). Of course, once one studies the methodology and research behind the theories, it is easy to see that they encompass complex subject matter. Still, it seems that focusing so heavily on the fact that women often define themselves by the way they relate to others could be misconstrued as not having an identity independent of the people surrounding them, hence the still-existing traditional (in many places, alas) gender roles.
However, scientific-method misgivings aside, at an intuitive and transpersonal level, organic inquiry makes much sense and has great value, I think. Truly, how many of us do not define ourselves through our experiences in our relationships and culture—male and female? As human beings is it even possible to do otherwise?
Power-dynamics aside, most of us are direct products of our environments until we embark on intentional, conscious journeys and begin learning new ways of “seeing.” It has been my educational experience at ITP that much of what we study is a mixture of science and organic inquiry. Perhaps all science is—I am not entirely sure, to be honest. I must say that the process of organic inquiry is appealing to me. It seems to place equal value on all experiences but uses what have been considered female attributes of heightened perception, intuitive knowing, and communication skills. I believe that all humans possess the innate ability to use these modalities but social constructs have created artificial gender divisions in skills. Of course, my biological knowledge is limited, so there may be a larger biological component to these feeling modalities than I am aware of, which of course limits my ability to reason about this subject.
Honestly, however, I must still admit that helping others through shared experience and by inviting others into our transformative process is wonderful. I use this at work as do most of my co-workers, which of course, takes us back into relational-cultural theory--relationships and culture color and inform our perspectives and sense of self.
I think that I have just realized what most created my misgivings on these two theories, scientific pigeon-holing aside: I think they are “part-and-parcel” of one another. I am unsure how the two theories can be separated. We approach most everything through a perspective largely created through our cultural expectations, limitations, and expressions/experiences and then take those experiences and analyze them, create realities, and share our visions after that process has been completed. I really do not think the theories can be separated in their end result—better understanding of people—male and female.
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