Article Response-Kali

Response to The Tantric way of the Goddess Kali

Chapter two of Lex Hixon’s book, Coming Home, inspired me and moved me. Upon reading this chapter, I was gripped with the physical sensation of difficulty in breathing and then an emotional reaction of tears. There were also more concrete reasons this chapter resonated with me.

First, Ramakrishna held no judgment about individual’s paths to enlightenment. He simply accepted their way of knowing and let it simply be. This touched me greatly because I am working very hard on letting go of resentments I hold around my experiences of mainstream Christianity. This resentment conflicts with my growing conviction that all paths leading to a higher state are right paths.

My increasing conviction that all paths lead to the same source is creating comfort and joy because it releases me from the need to be “right” or even to choose a particular path at this time. I feel my acceptance of other’s beliefs and practices will open me further to insights and experiences that I may be unconsciously blocking through negativity regarding Christianity.

Second, I believe that we are all made up of the same stuff: people, rocks, trees--all the same in the eyes of the Sacred. In the section of the chapter dealing with consciousness in all things, Ramakrishna claimed that even a clay cup held consciousness; this makes such sense to me. Modern thought around Deep Ecology and the Web of Life bring nature and science very much in line with Ramakrishna’s teachings; these concepts have made sense to me from the moment I heard them. Perhaps this knowing is why I take such delight in treasures found in nature; feathers, stones, acorns, etc seem like small pieces of perfection--manifestations and gifts of the Divine.

Another reason this reading so resonated with me is Ramakrishna’s teaching held the feminine aspect so sacred. The Divine Feminine feels right and home to me at my present moment of my journey. Perhaps this alignment with the feminine aspect arises out of my negative experiences with patriarchal forms of worship. However, I do not believe that my affinity for the female as conduit to the Sacred is entirely reactive. Women are intuitive, caring, and powerful. I struggle in environments heavy with Yang energy, which seems to be so pervasive in our society even today. Connecting to the female side of spirituality feels refreshing and rejuvenating.

Over all, the second chapter spoke to me. It made “sense” to me on many levels. Ramakrishna’s emphasis on consciousness in all things, acceptance of all paths without judgment, and focus on the divine feminine are ideas that I have contemplated. I feel more compelled to follow practices that encompass these concept in the future.

Jung Quote

Your vision will become only when you look into your heart. Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, AWAKENS.

Carl Jung

Soulful/Sensory Listening

Soulful Listening
Sensory Awareness

I decided to do something different for this exercise. I spent approximately twenty minutes in the sauna after work tonight. Typically, I meditate and do not focus on my sensations overmuch. However, I thought it would be interesting to not only “listen” with my ears but with my body as well.
The setting: the sauna at Gold’s gym. Usually it is not too crowded but tonight there were a lot of people: all men except for me.
Immediately, I became aware of being uncomfortable with being the only female in the sauna. I decided to sit in there despite the uneasiness of being surrounded by so much testosterone and explore what exactly what was happening. I felt slightly nervous and for no reason as initially no one spoke to me. Nonetheless, I felt apprehensive and slightly at risk. I could feel my limbs pulling in close and I realized that I was attempting to make myself small and unobtrusive. My observer started talking to me, asking what in the world I was afraid of. The observer also examined the fear and decided it was stupid! Apparently, my inner-observer is a snotty, middle-aged woman with an attitude! As I realized, through examination, that there was no real reason to feel this way, I adopted my usual half-lotus posture and began meditating. I could feel the heat begin to seep into me and relax my body. My mind began to still and for a time, I felt contained and centered. I was vibrating slightly and it was very pleasant. I became acutely aware of the sweat running in rivulets down my face and along my arms. I could feel my whole body becoming wet with sweat and steam; I felt at peace. My inner-observer noticed that I had successfully blocked out all the talk and laughter from the men for some minutes. Then suddenly, everything became louder and louder until I felt drowned in sound. I tried to return to my quiet state and center but could not. I began hearing the conversations going on around me with amazing clarity; I really did not want to eavesdrop but seemed incapable of not hearing. The sound seemed to be all around me and through me as well; it felt most odd. Finally, I just gave in to the hearing and began listening to the men talk—all the while in half-lotus and with my eyes shut. I noticed at this point that my hips were feeling the strain of sitting so long, but I ignored the signals from my body because the heat felt so comforting. My socialized ego-self began some negative self-talk at this time, telling me that nice people do not listen to other’s conversation, that I should just leave, etc. The inner-observer interrupted this polite yet ridiculous inner-conversation with the rather rational observation that if people are talking loudly about personal matters in a public place, then other’s being privy to the details was their own fault! Apparently my body signals changed at this point because some of the men began talking to me about meditation. I found it so interesting and odd that once my awareness of my environment shifted people began engaging me in conversation even though my posture had not changed, and I had not physically moved at all. While this was not exactly soulful listening to another, it was most enlightening. I have always believed that our energies interact and we can change our environment by shifting our energies and attitudes. This seemed to validate this belief. Another interesting observation resulting from listening silently, while not necessarily soulfully, was the realization that there is more than one observer in there directing different parts of the inner-dialogue—each with their own lens on the world. Truly, I have a committee in my head One aspect worthy of note was that I found that beyond the sassy observations above, there was very little judgment about what I was hearing. I simply noted the information and then let it go. This, too, will be helpful in a work environment, especially one dealing with human beings in pain and distress. It was quite fun also; one should never forget that all things and exercises can and should be fun!

More Soulful Listening

Soul Listening#2

The setting for my sharing: I shared my dream after a fire ceremony that my friend, Sarah, and I held at the time my anxiety and stress levels were out of control. We burned many negative ideas, feelings, and situations and buried the ashes to be recycled by the earth. We then burned wishes, hopes, and dreams on beautiful paper and sent it skyward to the Sacred to manage. I had had the dream/vision more than once and felt that this was the best and most appropriate setting for sharing.

My dream/vision: I saw myself in an old house that I owned ending two days of silence. It was so peaceful and serene, and I have cats and a dog. I am cooking a healthy, organic meal because there is a potluck later in the day in my small backyard. The sun is warm and pleasant on my skin as I move about setting the table and cooking; there is a slight breeze blowing through the poplar trees around my house. I am watering plants and tidying up in preparation for my local friend’s arrival for dinner in the evening. My house is older and a pale yellow—a color I do not like but that is what manifested more than once. It is small and in a state of slow renovation. I have added a room off the back that has a hard floor with some work out gear and yoga mats. I love this room because I have a statue of the Buddha and Kuan Yin and a small fountain, and the windows open to a view of Zion’s National Park. There are double doors in this room that open out to the small patio area that I have covered with a small tent for that purpose. I am just cooking and have just added some meditative music when an old friend drives up—unannounced. I have not seen him in a long time and I am happy to see him even though in “real-time” I have “let him go” because his behaviors are so spiritually bankrupt. However, in the dream, I am aware that he needs somewhere to heal, and I welcome him and his dog to my tranquil setting and tell him he can stay as long as he needs and then I wake. (I have had this dream more than once.)
My Friend’s Soulful Listening: While I was telling my dream, my friend, Sarah, leaned forward with her chin on her hand and just listened intently. She seemed to be just as excited about my dream as I was. She made comments such as “how cool!” and “wow” so I felt completely heard. She did not analyze or interrupt while I was talking. She is a great listener.
My observations: My friend is an excellent listener who makes you feel safe while sharing. She makes no qualitative assessments and waited until I was finished before giving me feedback. We discussed the implications of the dream, and my friend suggested that perhaps this is something I am working unconsciously on manifesting for myself—much like my job. These were all wonderful assists for attentive listening. There were no things that inhibited my sharing.
Sarah’s Dream: She is in a palace, very ornate. The floor is black marble with inlaid red and pink designs like you see on Chinese embroidered shoes. There are many stair cases and corridors. The palace is very large, and she knows that she is not supposed to be there. This is a palace only for men but for some reason, she is there and depending on a group of men to get her out. She also knows they want to rape her but do not. While these men do not have her interests at heart, she also knows that they are safer than the groups of other men they are passing. They stare at her as if they hate her, and she knows that she should not be there. The men are leading her down twisting and turning corridors and she knows that they are leading her in circles. She is following the same men and then she wakes up.
My reaction: While I was listening to my friend recount her dream, I wanted to interrupt and interpret. I was intrigued by the details and the visual images that were coming up in my mind. I sometimes got so caught up in my imaginings that I would find that I had “checked out” for a bit. I did not interrupt however, partly because I was interested and partly because it was rude to interrupt her train of thought. While I found that my own thought process and imagination still got in the way of truly efficient soulful listening, I also realized that it was easier to suspend the desire to “figure it out” for her or fix things than it was with my child. Perhaps our socialization and instilled manners help us to listen better with other adults. However, I have found that there are some people who simply cannot listen without trying to “fix” the speaker in some way. One of the best ways to assisting in deepening attentive listening is to become deliberately aware of what you are doing—bring your conscious decision to the listening. One of the most problematic issues around attentive listening and sharing is getting caught up in our own thought processes, for me, at any rate.

Soulful Listening #2

Emotions of 24 hours
Soulful Listening Exercise

I was having some stressful moments around this activity as I had interpreted the suggestions as themes that must be covered, unfortunately. I now know that there is latitude and openness to form. However, I had already approached my woman-friends about doing an emotional inventory and was asked respectfully to be excused from participating. Still, doing the suggested theme of emotional inventory with my son was useful to me as it allowed me to be more cognizant of my impulse to give parental advice rather than simply listen with trust and respect. He seemed more open to being completely honest and open to me also—knowing the parameters as described. There was respectful listening on both of our parts but some interaction also.

The Set Up: I have decided to interpose my thoughts, comments, and wanderings within the speakers discourse. It will be bolded and in a different font. It seems to add more of a sense of continuity and immediacy.

As Listener:

My son (19) chose to start his inventory out with how he was feeling at the moment. He began describing his emotions as very calm, comfortable, and “not really giving a shit” about much of anything at the moment. (My thought at this point was that he was actually upset and feigning apathy and really wanted to ask if that was the case but did not.) But, he quickly clarified that statement to explain that he had had a rather upsetting night out with friends and had worked through most of the upset. He stated that he had gone out with some friends that he had not connected with for quite a while and was anticipating the evening. He was excited and pleased to have reconnected with them. He began describing the evening and his emotional state changing from pleased anticipation to a spectrum of emotions ranging from initial sadness at realizing that these friends had not changed nor grown as people since he had last hung out with them at fifteen. The sadness quickly evolved into a sense of annoyance at the fact that all they wanted to do was smoke marijuana to disgust when they began talking about girls. (I alternated between feeling proud of him for having grown past these activities and wanting to ask if he was still indulging in those same behaviors at present. However, in order to listen soulfully and respectfully, I refrained from making any comments at all and let him talk. Becoming more mindful of the soul’s needs through the readings and activities has helped me become more respectful of my son as a human being rather than simply my child to direct and protect. I found it easier for my attention to stay focused on the exercise this time also). He said that he had spent much of the remainder of the evening feeling deeply disgusted, angry, and repulsed. One of the young men is twenty and still dates and has sex with very young women; my son expressed his distaste with a great deal of anger and passion. He asked to be taken home and said that his dominant emotion was one of relief to not be in their presence as he was so repelled and disgusted. He came full circle to the present by saying he felt calm and peaceful because separation from those friends felt so good to him. (By this time, I was vacillating between being extremely proud of my son for his ability to respect women and to know when friendships are unhealthy and anger towards his friends for their reprehensible behaviors toward very young, vulnerable women. However, I did not interrupt or add any value judgments to listening or even afterward during the debriefing portion)

As speaker:

I am in a bit of a funk and feel sad and depressed. I also am “beating myself up” because it seems ungrateful given all the good things happening for me at present. I am self-informed enough to intellectually understand the sadness and depressed feelings are arising because of letting go of a friend whose behaviors seem to me to be morally, ethically, and spiritually bankrupt. As soon as I express those sentiments, the feelings of guilt around judging another human being creep in. I began questioning my spiritual evolution because I felt the emotions of disgust, annoyance, and repugnance toward the behavior and choices of a fellow human being. In an attempt to shift my state of being, I had a glass of wine and watched a movie with a couple of friends. In this time frame, I felt better, a little silly, and able to laugh and be light-hearted. I went to bed feeling relieved that I had “let it go” and had accepted that the situation “is what it is.” However, I woke up at five a.m. in a sorry emotional state. I felt anxiety around my new job—what if they don’t keep me on?” Fear that I would never be a success—whatever that means, and feeling rather sorry for myself because I am alone and seeing no prospects for companionship at my age. This train of thought took me straight to, “I’m old and ugly and no one will ever want to be with me.” I thought about all of these emotional whips of flagellation and wondered where in the hell did that come from? Once I began expressing some of this (not all: after all, this is my nineteen-year-old son), I realized that all this was associated with letting this particular friend go from my life. So, I have made a full-circle emotionally.

My Son’s Feedback:

My son was very respectful and quiet during my turn as speaker. He had the cat on his lap and seemed very comfortable yet attendant. He listened until I finished speaking. Because we were debriefing and had agreed that we could ask open-ended questions and make non-judgmental observations (as much as possible, anyhow), he made a very wise (and a little judgmental), I think, observation: he said that when a person has great potential qualities and the possibility to be more but chooses not to act from those potentialities and possibilities and acts badly and unethically; then that person is simply a bad person—by choice. Or more simply put: it is what it is and let it go. Very astute and sadly accurate, I think. Overall, it was an excellent soul experience. I am learning to listen more effectively regardless of who is speaking. I am developing a more trusting and adult relationship with my son, and this is a wonderful result. I think that learning to simply listen with respect to my son recount some, shall we say, less than stellar behaviors and not react with the need to direct and fix will help me in my professional setting. It is possible that I will hear many stories that are painful and uncomfortable and now I can be more discerning about when the soul just needs support and a safe environment to show itself.

Tending the Soul/Soulful Sharing

Tending the Soul
Exercise 1

I did this exercise with my eighteen-year-old son, Brandon. He and I are so similar in temperament, personality, and physic al makeup that we tend to argue. Mostly, we get on each “other’s nerves!!” This exercise seemed to me a good way of getting past some of the automatic responses we have to each other and also a way to really listen to each other without judgments or the need for immediate rebuttal.
As listener:
As my son began talking, I immediately had the thought, “He is very “Zen.” He was talking about the nature of reality and how we perceive it. I was agreeing with him but also feeling amused by his earnestness. He moved from reality and perception to social institutions and his belief that rules and regulations of society should be done away with entirely. When he was talking about this subject, I agreed with him to a point but had to restrain myself from pointing out some facets that I felt he was missing. I slipped easily into “Mom” mode in my thinking: wanting to correct what I perceived as fallacious thinking, and I also felt a bit annoyed with him. I found myself alternately amused and impressed by the combination of naivety and sophistication in his thinking. When he started to repeat himself, which he has a tendency to do, I noticed how easily I am distracted. I noticed the kitten playing and left the conversation for some minutes. When he started talking about alternative states induced by natural pharmacological means, I re-engaged with the conversation. While I have read much about this subject myself and do not entirely disagree with him on this subject, my first thought was to interrupt him and tell him to either not “do things like that or be very careful.” It was very difficult not to be a “parent” during this part of the discussion. I also started thinking about what a bad parent I must be…and then had a small discussion with myself (and not attending to what my son was saying!) about the nature of what a good parent is or should be. I also had to remind myself of the nature of this exercise. How easily distracted by my own thoughts, ego, and enculturation I am! This was one of my most telling observations during the entire time he was talking. I also caught myself planning a rebuttal on many of his points rather than simply listening. I also noticed how easily distracted I can be by body movements. My son uses his hands a great deal when he is passionate about something he is saying, and I remember thinking how like me that is. I also cannot talk without my hands. I also noticed that when he is thinking he looks off to the left with only his eyes. He also sits in an open posture with his arms uncrossed and relaxed. It was interesting to me how often I noticed the similarities in our body and hand movements and how easily distracted I am by the realization of how much we are the same. I also realized that my son amused me more than irritates me—very good information with which to interact.
As speaker:
I tried my best not to use my speaking time to rebuttal my son’s points of discussion. Before starting to speak, I reminded myself of the purpose of this exercise and also Palmer’s instructions. However, hard as I tried, I still covered much of the same points of discussion that he did. However, I did not make any judgmental statements about his opinions. I just covered them from my own perspective. Still….I must wonder if that was a sneaky way for me to appear “right.” This realization, after the exercise, has given me much to think about—my listening skills and my ability to just allow other’s their own realities and discourse. While I was speaking, my son appeared to be very attentive. He had a very open body posture, and he leaned forward slightly. I remember thinking that he was more attentive and focused than I was. He did not seem as easily distracted as I am. I was noticing all of this while talking and feeling slightly annoyed! I was annoyed that this eighteen-year-old had better listening skills than I! He also made those encouraging noises if I paused. I noticed that, like my son, my hands wave around a lot. However, I found that despite all of my training in classes and lectures I still sit in a closed posture sometimes! I repeatedly found myself sitting with my arms crossed. I started wondering if I felt threatened by my own son’s apparent skill and intelligence. I then indulged in a (and very short) self-castigation party. I found myself becoming bored with my own conversation! My son never gave me any indication that he found me boring or that he wanted to correct anything I was saying. Overall, I tired of hearing my own voice.
Conclusion:
After concluding the exercise, my son and I discussed our points of similarity and our differences, after all; this was the true purpose of a circle of trust for me: to get along better with my child and be a more trustworthy listener. We found that we both like to use our hands when speaking; however, my son says that my hand movements seem very purposeful and illustrative of my points and his are more random. We both like to discuss the deeper social implications of reality and perception and found that we mostly agree. I seem to be more cynical and accepting of social rules and mores. He is still rebelling against many of the rules of culture that he finds ridiculous or meaningless. I found that no matter how much I may try: I am still a parent and want to “protect my children” from thinking or behaviors that might imperil them in this society we live in.
I also discovered that I have work to do in the listening and circle of trust area. I also wonder if I would be more likely to be supportive without judgment if the speaker was not my child. I am wondering if my close emotional connection to my children colors my ability to simply listen supportively without trying to “fix” anything. Some very good things to think on!!

Silence and Listening

Silence and Listening

I have only begun the application of what I am learning to my life and work. I am blessed with a job that offers opportunities to listen soulfully and be more fully present to my listeners. I have much to learn and need more practice in order to “shift” into a state of prepared awareness that allows the soul to appear and stay present. For myself, this work has allowed me to become even more aware of my internal landscape and the strengths and weaknesses in my ability to be a safe container for other’s souls.

There are a number of factors that need be present for me to listen soulfully. These factors can be thought of as internal and external. For me, the physical environment plays a large part in listening not only with my ears but my heart and soul. If there is noise and chaos around my listening partner and myself, I find myself distracted no matter how I may try to attend to what my partner is saying. Parker Palmer makes the point of having a moment of silence to begin a circle of trust; I agree with this idea and believe that the appropriate setting is a must. I find that giving another that moment of silence to gather thoughts or simply be still is so important: and so hard to do in a culture so frightened by silence and driven to do, do, do. Also, there must be the appropriate time and place; the busy office or bar is not a setting that the soul can be present fully. I suspect that this is one of the reasons that relationships that begin in such settings are sometimes failures: it is usually strictly a meeting of ego. However, the physical environment can be changed if a soulful exchange is truly desired.

Changing the environment is the simple part of paving the way for a soulful and meaningful experience. For me, quieting the inner-landscape is the most difficult piece to soulful listening. I find that sometimes my inner-dialogue gets in the way of truly hearing. Too, if I have too many distractions—noise, movement—I will “check out” of the discussion and thus possibly miss something very important. I am finding that I must enter into a soulful discussion with intent. Preparing my mind, body, and soul for an exchange of soulful value must be first a cognitive decision to stay fully present and deliberately put my tendency to want to “fix” others and offer solutions aside. I am discovering that I am someone who must learn to listen soulfully as it is not something I do naturally or well at times. While I do not often make judgments about others, I believe that doing so may be problematic for many (and I do it at times too) and would not create a soulful exchange. One’s questions might be colored by a desire to “set the speaker straight.” It has been my own experience that the soul will indeed sprint back into the woods when it senses such judgments.

During the listening exercises, I did some mini-experiments to check if how I listen varies wildly depending upon who the speaker is. I find that for me, it does make a difference. With my own child in the first exercise, my parental or mother archetype started an inner-dialogue about the behaviors described by my son. I kept losing track of what he was saying because I was so busy formulating a rebuttal and ways to make him see the error of his ways. What that really meant was that I was not listening soulfully but being a parent and wanting him to conform to my way….not conducive to coaxing the soul out to play. To validate that soulful listening is something I must learn, I did another exercise with my son after doing one with a friend and found that I was able to listen to some rather disturbing revelations without “checking out” or any rebuttals at all. This is encouraging to me because I now know that I can cultivate this skill and use it with whomever I may be listening to.

Learning this skill at this particular time has been extremely valuable in my new work. I am able to more easily focus my attention and be silent with clients at the recover y center where I work. Having begun this learning process of coaxing the soul out into the open, I can give more soulful attention more quickly.

While there are some professional environments that welcome soulful exchange, and I am fortunate enough to work in one, there are some surprising settings where the soul is not welcome. Oddly enough, it has been my experience that religious gatherings, in my area and experience at least, do not welcome our individual presence or soul. In such didactic religious settings, the soul is assumed to be present but is spoken at rather than to. It has been my past experience that my soul cringes and beats a hasty retreat from such, “my way or the highway,” talking at or down to. In such environments, I find that discussions of soul and spirituality are not readily received; again that has been MY experience. Of course, there are also places of business that the soulful presence is not only not welcome but does not even come into consciousness; many corporate structures are not typically places the soul will feel safe enough to show itself and with good reason: such places can and sometimes do reduce humans from beings with presence to tools or numbers. I have difficulty conceiving of soulful listening or circles of trust being made welcome in many corporate environments. I am sure that there are exceptions and a good thing too!

Despite the soul’s lack of welcome in some settings, it is vitally important to listen to others as fully and respectfully as possible. First, I believe that all beings are valuable and deserving of our attention—at least a fully as possible. Second, to listen in “circle of trust” mode, even in environments that are not conducive to the soul’s emergence from the woods of ego, is to be one’s own most authentic self. It becomes a matter of “walking your talk” wherever one happens to be. Perhaps it cannot manifest outwardly in exactly the same manner as a “circle of trust” or a soulful one-on-one; however, if we stay aware of our own tendencies to lose focus, be distracted, and indulge in inner-dialogue, then we can bring our own soul to the conversation. Our own soul becomes the yardstick for appropriate, respectful listening. By listening with full attention, not attempting to fix the other, and giving the speaker time to say what is needed, we can indeed bring ethical and soulful listening to most structures and environments albeit subtly.

Surprisingly, sometimes our inner-landscape can be less-than-welcoming to our own soul, I am finding. For me, self-criticism and self-judgment keep my soul at bay—from myself! I discovered just how easy it is to ignore myself and my own soul by indulging in old mental “tapes” that discourage true awareness of what my body, heart, and soul are saying to me. Practicing a “circle of trust” with myself during this module has made me much more aware of the need to connect to myself and also self-correct when my inner-environment becomes hostile to my own soul. It is rather disheartening to discover that one can separate from one’s most essential soulful self by self-flagellating. I feel that learning to listen to others in a “circle of trust” mode has helped my practice by first calling attention to the lack of respect I pay myself and second allowing some gentleness toward me and my practice.

Overall, the application of “circle of trust” mode of listening has increased my awareness of the need to mindfully and deliberately prepare for listening to others—if even only for a few seconds prior to the experience, which is another practical usage of a moment of silence. Also, I am learning that simply being silent while others are expressing is so much more respect and conducive to an exchange in which the speaker feels safe. Only in an atmosphere of respect, and quiet, open listening can the soul come out to play and speak its truth.