Embracing Being an Older Woman

In a culture that reveres youth, aging is generally viewed with repugnance and as something to be avoided at all costs. The penalty for aging is particularly high for women in today’s world. Older women can be, and often are, viewed as unattractive, matronly, and worse: not seen at all. Matters are not helped by the media’s depiction of supposedly older women in beauty and wrinkle treatment advertisements that proclaim that “forty is the new thirty.” Whereas on the surface this appears to be a sort of tacit permission to age and that one can be sexy no matter one’s age, the reality is rarely do any of these actresses have any natural signs of aging whatsoever. Of course, the message is unrealistic and meant to sell products; and more insidiously dangerous, Kilbourne (1999) suggests that advertising is an active creator of society rather than a mirror simply reflecting the culture’s values (p.67).
However, more difficult to understand and to dismiss as unrealistic is the way advertising, the media, and the pursuit of beauty appears to have replaced religion in some senses. It might even be said that the pursuit of everlasting youth and beauty are components of the material religion. Kilbourne (1999) goes so far as to say, “Advertising is not only our physical environment, it is increasingly our spiritual environment as well. By definition, however, it is only interested in materialistic values” (p. 67). Wolf (2002) suggests the art and rites of beauty procedures have replaced religious rites in our media and youth-driven culture (pp. 87-92). Because the ideals of youth and beauty are so enmeshed in many aspects of the culture, it is difficult not to judge one’s self by the plastic versions of womanhood plastered on billboards and in magazines.

Given the often negative messages that middle-aged women receive from the culture at large, how do women no longer young and not yet old learn to accept themselves and achieve a sense of worth, beauty, and wholeness?
Perhaps what is needed is an alternative viewpoint that women can embrace and use as a means of transcending the cultural imperative of youthful beauty. For some women, exploring the goddess mythologies and most particularly the crone aspect can supply a different, more powerful meaning to being a “middle-aged” woman. The goddess mythologies provide a more in-depth and comprehensive view of femininity in all stages; the crone phase of the life of a woman does not have to be one of fading beauty, sexuality, or power. In fact, some comparative research by Sacks (1992) on middle-age women in various cultures states,
First and foremost, this is the time in which a woman enjoys her greatest power,
status, and autonomy. In some cultures this increase in power and status is gradual;
in others, there is sharp break with earlier requirements for women’s seclusion and deferential behavior. Second, both in societies that sharply oppress young women and those that have egalitarian gender ideologies, the freedom, prestige, and authority of women increases at middle age and comes closer to that of men than it did in earlier years. So, whether it is seen in relation to a woman’s own life or in relations to the lives of men of her culture and generation, middle age is a woman’s prime. (Cited in Ward, 2003, p.68).

With such modern emphasis on the exterior and the superficial, it is all too easy to forget that middle-aged women have much to offer: wisdom, beauty, and strength of character. It would appear that a balance must be struck between living within the culture and yet not embodying the culture. Goldberg (1991) sums this balance up,
Success means balancing out being successful in the world and getting caught up or
tossed away by it. Success to me is being able to handle it and got getting turned around by believing other people’s ideas about who I am—being able to keep it in balance and
keep my life in balance (Cited in Rountree, p.194).


Unfortunately, this balance is difficult to achieve for many modern women. The present, highly visually-centered culture gives women few meaningful roles and/or role models to help ease the transition from young woman to middle-age woman. Perera (1981) says, “We also feel unseen because there are not images alive to reflect our wholeness and variety” (p. 12).
Given the lack of realistic alternative versions in the public eye of what is beautiful, attractive, and acceptable, there appears nowhere to go but obscurity as beauty (as defined by popular culture) fades. Conversely, Ward (2003) states in times past and in some cultures presently, reaching middle-age or past into old-age was an achievement, one which imbued women with wisdom, strength, and power; women were the village wise-women, healers and mid-wives, and this was/is also the time that a women’s individuality is more freely expressed (pp. 68-70).
Despite the lack of roles to step into such as village healer or wise-woman, there are other means for transcending the media interpretation of what middle-aged women are and creating a sense of strength, power, and individuality. Such transitions often require introspection, work, and, ultimately, redefining one’s idea of womanhood at middle-age. Researching the crone in goddess mythology is one way to redefine oneself during the transition. Becoming a crone does not mean giving up one’s identity as a woman, only letting go of what no longer works or applies to one’s present circumstance.
In current imagination and present speech, the crone has been portrayed as hag, witch, or harridan—all uncomplimentary labels and meant to evoke fear. Silverman (2008, January 17) says that words such as crone or witch were once positive terms for older women who were leaders, mid-wives, and healers. She states that the Spanish Inquisition changed the meaning of these words to have negative connotations. Silverman also claims that a resurgence of interest in reclaiming the crone’s positive aspect is now present in our society (p. 2).
Embracing the transition from young woman to middle-aged woman necessitates accepting an ending of a version of one’s self but also acknowledging that one is still the same person in many significant ways. Bridges (2004) suggests while middle age often is a time of upheaval, transitions are not “(…) the result not just of new factors but of a mixture of old and new ones” (p. 40).
One of the new factors that some women face is the loss of youthful face and body that can seem so important for a sense of worth and sexiness according to much advertising and popular culture. Perhaps what is needed is a more “subversive” (Featherston, pp. 50-51) way of looking at the current culture. Featherston (1991) suggests looking at the “myths, traditions, and ideas that constitute normal in our culture, and questioning it, looking at it differently (…)” (p.51). Whereas the loss of acceptability by the standards of current culture does not always affect a woman’s inner sense of self significantly, for others it can be a difficult transition. Bridges quotes a seminar participant who sums up this dichotomy nicely, “’It’s the mirror that does it to you first, I think,’” said Betty on one of the final nights of the seminar. “’I still thought of myself as I had been ten years earlier, but one day I looked in the mirror and said, “Where’d you come from, old gal? What ever happened to Betty—the girl who used to live here?’” (p. 41).
As women are faced, quite literally, with evidence that they are no longer young or beautiful by today’s ever younger and increasingly rigid standards, something must replace the easy answer of face and body for a sense of worth. The study of various goddess and archetypes can be helpful in defining oneself as a still sexual, attractive, and powerful woman. Often what happens when one is transitioning from one archetype (maiden to mother to crone) to another is what Bolen (1984), says, “[sic] within a woman, the goddesses may vie among themselves, or one may rule” (p.266). Perhaps what must happen is that the older goddesses must gain supremacy in the group or what Bolen (1984) refers to as the “committee” (pp. 266-267).
As the positive notion of the crone takes a place in women’s collective consciousness, with the positive attributes of “wisdom, compassion, transformation, healing laughter, and bawdiness’ (Silverman, 2008, January 17), perhaps more women can ignore or at least give less weight to the current cultural imperative of everlasting youthfulness and flawless beauty and find delight and joy in being themselves as they age and embody the crone aspect of the goddess.
The rewards of such redefinition and ignoring the youth imperative may be great for some women. With enough years of experiences, both good and bad, a woman may experience resurgence in self-confidence to do as she pleases, do compassionate service, and enjoy the earthier aspects of what it means to be a woman. Razak (1991) tells of a friend’s mother who is a sexually-demanding mistress at age seventy and goes on to say, “I think that’s great; I aspire to be a sexually demanding sixty-or seventy-year-old!” (Cited in Rountree, 1991, p. 87). The crone phase honors this sense of bawdiness and freedom. Regardless of the mythology of the current youth-oriented and oftentimes unrealistic beauty standard, it would appear that older women can be sexy, powerful, and complete as they are.
The current culture would have us believe that only the young are sensual, sexual, vital and beautiful. Because the media and advertising still dictate what is desirable, many women will continue to strive to attain mostly unrealistic physical goals and detrimental ideals of appearance; sadly, some middle-aged women will never question the media-created image of what women should be but rarely in actuality are.
Perhaps by learning about and embracing the positive aspects of the crone, it may be possible for some women to transcend the rather narrow cultural view of what is acceptable, desirable, and powerful. The study of the crone goddesses may be helpful in defining what middle-age actually can be rather than what the current cultural myths would have us believe it is. Rising above the superficial, appearance-oriented, and quasi-religious beauty imperative by studying the older goddess forms may give middle-aged women a sense of the sacredness of experiencing life as an authentic woman rather than as a culturally acceptable mannequin.
















References

Bolen, J. S. (1984). Goddesses in everywoman: A new psychology of women.
New York: Harper & Row.
Bridges, W. (2004). Transitions: Making sense of life’s changes (2nd ed).
Cambridge, MA: Da Capo Press.
Featherston, E. (1991). In C. Rountree (Ed.) On women turning forty: Coming into our
fullness. Freedom CA: The Crossing Press.
Kilbourne, J. (1999). Can’t buy my love: How advertising changes the way we
look and feel. New York: Touchstone.
Perera, S. B. (1981). Descent to the goddess: A way of initiation for women.
Toronto, Canada: Inner City Books.
Razak, R. (1991). In C. Rountree (Ed.). On women turning forty: Coming into our
fullness. Freedom CA: The Crossing Press.
Silverman, A. (n.d.) The ancient crone. Crones Counsel Inc. Retrieved January 14, 2008
From http://www.cronescounsel.org/who/htm.
Ward, M. C. (2003). A world full of women (3rd ed). Boston: Pearson Education, Inc.
Wolf, N. (2002). The beauty myth: How images of beauty are used against women.
New York: HarperCollins.