Seed Thoughts

Seed Thoughts

I have come a long way in forging my own thoughts, feeling, and beliefs. I am beginning to understand that happiness, security, and love come from within. I have occasionally accessed this space but it never seems to last long. I want to continue this work. Looking outside of myself for security and acceptance never gives satisfaction. Society creates images of what we “should” be based on fantasies of the most useless kind. I am committed to working on me being enough; the gifts I already have are worth developing further. My main work here is learning to love myself--this is one area that I struggle with. Even though I know intellectually that societies’ opinions are not “who we are,” it is hard to let go of the emotional attachment to “fitting in.” I have recently been called “eccentric” and “bizarre,” and I am alright with it. It feels like a compliment. This inner argument of being truly myself (whoever that may turn out to be the moment) and the person who “fits in” was nicely explained by “horse trading,” which I found delightful. Life is full of compromises.

In the past, I wanted to know spirituality theoretically--not really experience it. I didn’t believe that I was capable of that depth of spirit; and even if I was, I wanted it to come without work on my part--breakthrough without work or suffering. No internalization of the sacred. Was I just frightened of losing myself as I knew me? Or , am I just generally afraid? Am I still? I do not feel as though fear is driving my life anymore but there seems to be some residual resistance to inner work. Why? I want to become more than I am at present. My strengths are compassion, tolerance, and being non-judgmental of others. I am always stronger than I think I am. My weaknesses are being self-critical, fearful, and negative. I judge myself harshly and sometimes do not treat myself with love and acceptance. What am I afraid I will lose if I let go of those weaknesses? I think they are my excuses for not stepping into my power more fully.

I don’t often remember my dreams. Mostly the ones I remember are daily concerns revisiting. If the dream world is real, then am I unconscious most of the time? What are my practical dreams trying to communicate to me? I have had only three long-time recurring dreams: the message became apparent in one but the other two are still a mystery to me. I would like to dream more and learn more about my selves from them but how? Sticking with meditation may hold the key to allowing my unconscious to speak to me and access the wisdom to be found there.

I am wondering which self am I talking to when I fantasize about the soul-mate of my dreams? Is the sensitive, successful, spiritual, and tolerant man I want really just a part of myself that needs developing? I am wondering if this person is not simply the animus-my masculine soul-perception. I am wondering if I am still wanting someone else to “take care of me” and that is why standing meditation is so difficult--standing on my own two feet is frightening. I find this male-identified soul odd as I prefer the company of women and most of my satisfying friendships are with women with the exception of my dear friend Preston, who is gay. I also fantasize about my future work and being my own boss. This feels very real to me much of the time. If, as the article states, that these fantasies are “realer than real” then perhaps these fantasies are telling me to hold fast to my vision of what my work and relationships will be. I am wondering if this is what the law of attraction is based on from The Secret movie.

I am struggling with an inner-dialogue with the responsible parent and future business-owner and the ascetic nomad or “inner-hobo“ as Robert Johnson so playfully put it. This duality has upset me for sometime. The need to be away from my day-to-day life feels overwhelming at times. A part of me wants to focus entirely on my inner work in a peaceful environment without distraction and responsibilities. However the practical parent part of me argues that this is irresponsible and “bad.” I will take the time to ‘horse-trade” this conflict. This “unlived life” needs to be examined, and incorporated into the life I live at present. My often conflicted inner-self may be arising because of my tendency for “black and white” thinking.