Tending the Soul/Soulful Sharing

Tending the Soul
Exercise 1

I did this exercise with my eighteen-year-old son, Brandon. He and I are so similar in temperament, personality, and physic al makeup that we tend to argue. Mostly, we get on each “other’s nerves!!” This exercise seemed to me a good way of getting past some of the automatic responses we have to each other and also a way to really listen to each other without judgments or the need for immediate rebuttal.
As listener:
As my son began talking, I immediately had the thought, “He is very “Zen.” He was talking about the nature of reality and how we perceive it. I was agreeing with him but also feeling amused by his earnestness. He moved from reality and perception to social institutions and his belief that rules and regulations of society should be done away with entirely. When he was talking about this subject, I agreed with him to a point but had to restrain myself from pointing out some facets that I felt he was missing. I slipped easily into “Mom” mode in my thinking: wanting to correct what I perceived as fallacious thinking, and I also felt a bit annoyed with him. I found myself alternately amused and impressed by the combination of naivety and sophistication in his thinking. When he started to repeat himself, which he has a tendency to do, I noticed how easily I am distracted. I noticed the kitten playing and left the conversation for some minutes. When he started talking about alternative states induced by natural pharmacological means, I re-engaged with the conversation. While I have read much about this subject myself and do not entirely disagree with him on this subject, my first thought was to interrupt him and tell him to either not “do things like that or be very careful.” It was very difficult not to be a “parent” during this part of the discussion. I also started thinking about what a bad parent I must be…and then had a small discussion with myself (and not attending to what my son was saying!) about the nature of what a good parent is or should be. I also had to remind myself of the nature of this exercise. How easily distracted by my own thoughts, ego, and enculturation I am! This was one of my most telling observations during the entire time he was talking. I also caught myself planning a rebuttal on many of his points rather than simply listening. I also noticed how easily distracted I can be by body movements. My son uses his hands a great deal when he is passionate about something he is saying, and I remember thinking how like me that is. I also cannot talk without my hands. I also noticed that when he is thinking he looks off to the left with only his eyes. He also sits in an open posture with his arms uncrossed and relaxed. It was interesting to me how often I noticed the similarities in our body and hand movements and how easily distracted I am by the realization of how much we are the same. I also realized that my son amused me more than irritates me—very good information with which to interact.
As speaker:
I tried my best not to use my speaking time to rebuttal my son’s points of discussion. Before starting to speak, I reminded myself of the purpose of this exercise and also Palmer’s instructions. However, hard as I tried, I still covered much of the same points of discussion that he did. However, I did not make any judgmental statements about his opinions. I just covered them from my own perspective. Still….I must wonder if that was a sneaky way for me to appear “right.” This realization, after the exercise, has given me much to think about—my listening skills and my ability to just allow other’s their own realities and discourse. While I was speaking, my son appeared to be very attentive. He had a very open body posture, and he leaned forward slightly. I remember thinking that he was more attentive and focused than I was. He did not seem as easily distracted as I am. I was noticing all of this while talking and feeling slightly annoyed! I was annoyed that this eighteen-year-old had better listening skills than I! He also made those encouraging noises if I paused. I noticed that, like my son, my hands wave around a lot. However, I found that despite all of my training in classes and lectures I still sit in a closed posture sometimes! I repeatedly found myself sitting with my arms crossed. I started wondering if I felt threatened by my own son’s apparent skill and intelligence. I then indulged in a (and very short) self-castigation party. I found myself becoming bored with my own conversation! My son never gave me any indication that he found me boring or that he wanted to correct anything I was saying. Overall, I tired of hearing my own voice.
Conclusion:
After concluding the exercise, my son and I discussed our points of similarity and our differences, after all; this was the true purpose of a circle of trust for me: to get along better with my child and be a more trustworthy listener. We found that we both like to use our hands when speaking; however, my son says that my hand movements seem very purposeful and illustrative of my points and his are more random. We both like to discuss the deeper social implications of reality and perception and found that we mostly agree. I seem to be more cynical and accepting of social rules and mores. He is still rebelling against many of the rules of culture that he finds ridiculous or meaningless. I found that no matter how much I may try: I am still a parent and want to “protect my children” from thinking or behaviors that might imperil them in this society we live in.
I also discovered that I have work to do in the listening and circle of trust area. I also wonder if I would be more likely to be supportive without judgment if the speaker was not my child. I am wondering if my close emotional connection to my children colors my ability to simply listen supportively without trying to “fix” anything. Some very good things to think on!!