Self-Reflection/Life Span

Self-Reflection

Life Span/ Erickson

Erikson’s Theory of Stages

I am writing this paper not only because it is required but also because I hope it will help me clarify my own confusion around my feelings about linear time and our human need to define/cut time into stages, pieces, chunks—whatever terminology works for the individual. I am currently struggling with finding the progression of time and achievements important. Perhaps this paper is one of those “there are no accidents” gifts the universe tends to give us when we need them the most.

Stage One: Oral-Sensory

I suspect that it is the rare individual that has memories from this stage of development; I certainly do not. However, based on information from my mother and earlier, my grandmother, I do know that I was surrounded by adults that cared for me. My mother lived with her parents while my father was in Germany during his stint in the Army, and I know with every fiber of my being that my grandmother cherished me. All of my infant pictures show a fat, happy, and smiling baby. However, my mother, whom I love, has for as long as I can remember, been an unhappy, depressed woman, and I have to wonder if that depression was more pronounced post-partum because I have struggled with depression since I was twelve. Perhaps my mother’s sadness affected me; but honestly, who can say for sure? I also believe that someone in those early years gave me the ability to hope, which Erikson says is a sign that a proper balance has been achieved. Much as I love her and empathize with my mother’s life-long sadness, I believe it was my grandmother who was instrumental to my ability to survive the hardships of life without developing psychosis.

Stage Two: Anal-Muscular

If a sense of autonomy is a positive trait, then I was healthy in that respect. I was adventurous and creative. I was unafraid of the physical world (and remain so to present) and loved to be outdoors exploring. I was allowed plenty of freedom to do so as we lived in a small town and had watchful, caring neighbors. What I find curious and have no one event to point to is that I also had (and have let go of) an extremely well-developed sense of shame. I also carried a lot of fear of new experiences that involved people, never animals or the outdoors, however. I do not remember the need for perfection at this early stage but it most certainly manifested itself later; I would definitely say that Erikson’s concept of “compulsiveness” was a driving force within me for most of my life. I do have memories of wanting to do things for myself very early on but at some point shortly after this stage doubt joined the sense of shame I carried. My mother became pregnant with my brother when I was three. I suspect that some of my later perfectionism and the attendant self-doubt may have arisen because of jealousy and insecurity. Couple the normal jealousies of having to share one’s parents with the arrival of a very sick new baby who required constant care and monitoring and one is sure to have some unhealthy desires to be as “perfect” as possible in order to gain approval. Also, this complete shift in attention away from oneself can create insecurity as well; at least it seems so in my case.

Stage Three: Genital-Locomotor

I was most definitely stage-appropriate when it comes to imaginative play. I spent a great deal of time alone at the ages of approximately 4-6 when the boys I typically played with did not want “a girl around.” I had imaginary friends and would create lavish scenarios for them and would talk to them out loud. My family laughed at me but allowed me to play. I do remember being embarrassed when they made fun of me but my imaginary worlds held too much appeal and pleasure to abandon them. I wonder too if my imaginary worlds were also something of an escape from my increasing need for perfection, which started to manifest itself at around age six. Additionally, it was at this age that my sense of guilt increased until I felt guilty about nearly everything.

However, I am inclined to attribute that to my childhood church more than my parents. My parents did not attend church at all; I went alone. The Mormon Church uses guilt, as do so many organized Christian churches, as a means of social control. Because of my love of imagination, stories, and fantasy, I took the bible stories much to heart as well as the rather didactic stories from the Mormon culture. I felt morally responsible for not only myself but my parents as well (their lack of attendance at church was much frowned upon); a great many well-meaning people created a tremendous fear of damnation in my young psyche. I most certainly did not err on the side of Erikson’s concept of “ruthlessness;” I embodied the opposite, in fact, by becoming increasingly inhibited. This stage was the beginning of the end of my sense of creativity, bravery, and joyfulness that often accompanies the feeling of purposefulness Erikson suggests as optimal.

I must add that I cannot relate to the Oedipal experience at all during this stage. My father worked away from home much of the time, and I only saw him on weekends. I do not recall any sense of having to relinquish him or his attentions. His negative comments affected me greatly but at a later stage. I have no memory of any sort of psycho-sexual dilemma around my father; perhaps, I simply cannot remember it now?

Stage Four: Latency

It was at this stage that my imagination got me into trouble! I cared little for games that had rules and would try to organize my friends into plays and so on. I did have a well-developed sense of fair play at this point, however. Other children were typically playing games with rules and organization, which I found boring. However, my difference eventually created a sense of inadequacy; perhaps this is what created my desire to be fair and honest in my interaction with others?

With increasing awareness that my games were “not okay,” my already considerable perfectionist tendencies transferred to trying to fit in; and most of the time, I did somewhat. However, this is where Erikson’s concept of inertia is so apt in my development. At approximately age eight, I developed a “love affair” with books. I read (and still do) voraciously. I became what we call at the treatment center I work at a “fader.” I fit in because I made myself as invisible and unobtrusive as possible.

It was in this stage that I began to struggle with mathematics; I really struggled with it. My father simply could not understand how this could be—he is a “math guy.” He began what I now see as a rather ruthless attack on my (he explained it to me later—he thought I would “step it up” just to “show him!”) intelligence, appearance, and personality. I heard the phrase, “You are going to be fat, stupid, and ugly, just like your mother” nearly daily for years. Talk about inertia! Unfortunately, my mother could not provide a sense balance or “competence” as Erikson calls it because she had incorporated and embodied the same negative, hurtful labels for years into her own being.

Stage Five: Adolescence

I struggled with this stage. I did not really like myself much as most teens do not but more damaging was my belief that I could not accomplish anything noteworthy at all. Because of this limiting belief, I accepted the advice of the Mormon women at my church: be a good wife and mother—that was all I should aspire to be, and the message I received was that it was all I was good for. In the effort to fit into my society, I accepted this role and married right out of high school, which was and sadly still is to a degree, what one “should do.” Also, one should produce children quite soon after marriage. There was no time for Erikson’s “psychosocial moratorium.” I leapt, completely unprepared, into what I now know was pseudo-adulthood and with someone even less equipped than I to be an “adult.” Interestingly, under all this seemingly organized, socially-sanctioned, proper behavior was ego confusion to the nth degree! I had no real idea who I was but assumed that taking on the role would provide me with the ego sense. I laugh even as I type this. And, while this sounds as if I just blindly, obediently followed my cultural dictates and appeared to overtly, inside there was a seething anger and rebellion I did not have the courage at the time to address. I must also note that I left the Mormon Church at seventeen but the mores and dictates took much longer to leave my identity. I can say that I did repudiate the culture of my youth but not to a degree of unhealthiness, I believe. The early nurturing of my grandmother gave me a core sense of self that has taken a long time to re-access, but it was there in the rebellion and anger I mentioned above! Erikson talks of fidelity as a successfully negotiating this stage of development; I am unsure if that is something I have ever felt toward my community. I still live in the same area and dislike it a great deal and yet here I am still……still hanging onto some stage four inertia apparentlyJ

Stage Six: Intimacy

In the local culture, this stage is for having and raising one’s children. From the age of twenty-one to thirty, I produced four children. This entire stage was taken up with child-care. No one can say that I had a fear of commitment! It was far too late for that! I believe that my headlong rush to gain a sense of identity and feel a sense of accomplishment by being an adult, married person denied me any real sense of what or who I was—I had no clue at all who I really was. I cannot adequately convey my unhappiness during this phase. This is not to say that I did not love and enjoy my babies; I did, but not the way I would have if I had had a clearer sense of who I was. I know that my parenting left much to be desired. I do not indulge in self-flagellation over this fact any longer. It is what it is. The fact that Utah has one of highest usages of anti-depressants by women makes my experience almost “normal” by local standards. What a very sad comment on how much damage limiting religious and strict cultural mores can cause for some.

This section has given me insight into the usefulness of creating stages for development. I still have some misgivings about their usage but obviously they can be helpful. I realize now that I essentially skipped many aspects of Erikson’s stage five, to be precise.

The most damaging aspect to skipping this stage is my lack of ability to understand intimacy and what that looks like for adult beings. I initially misunderstood Erikson’s concept of promiscuity in stage six but if the meaning is that one does not engage deeply with others, then I would agree that skipping stage five can be disastrous for future relationships. However, one can choose how to view the fact of missing a stage or step: I choose to believe that every experience and stage of my journey is happening at the correct time for me. This is where the transpersonal aspect comes into play for me. I can learn these key concepts as I become cognizant of their existence and importance—at whatever age I happen to be.

Stage Seven: Middle-Adulthood

I guess I would fall somewhere in this stage, at least by my chronological age. However, because I had my children so early, most of my children are on their own. I have one teen son at home. I am nearly finished with active child-raising. I do feel Erikson’s “generativity” in the sense that I do not expect anything from my children—not even their love. Of course, I would love to have a wonderful, caring relationship with my children, but I do not demand it or believe it my “due.” For good or ill, I have always regarded my four sons as their own persons with their own personal journey to fulfill.

I believe that I am in the process of finding out who I am—stage five at work! As I mentioned earlier, I feel that now is the proper time for me to work at this. Of course, all experiences up to this point are contributing to how the “me-ness” is manifesting at present, and the timing is right for this exploration and adventure.

Erikson talks of overextension and rejectivity as maladaptaions, but it has been my experience that many of us bounce back and forth between those two places much of the time! I suspect that the real “work” of this stage is finding that balance between the two. Perhaps the “mid-life” crisis acts a catapult into the work of finding the middle-way—whatever that looks like for each individual. I actually do not really know—this is just my way of “figuring it out as I go.” My own “mid-life crisis” appears to be this: finding out who my most authentic self is through leaving an extremely unhealthy long-time relationship, going to school, and learning what an adult, intimate relationship is. All things I did not do at the appropriate “stage.” I suspect few of us fit neatly into these categories. Most likely these stages are like the pirate’s code: “more like guide lines!”

Stage Eight: Late Adulthood

I hope that I can reach this stage with the most positive of Erikson’s attributes. Particularly, I hope to achieve wisdom that I can share with younger women and model power of ego-integrity. I like Erikson’s portrayal of what healthy old age looks like. Staying engaged in life-long learning and with people seems to be the best way to keep despair to a minimum. I spent a year working in a long-term care facility for the elderly. I am so grateful for the experience; I learned to see old faces and bodies as beautiful, which was healthy for me as our cultural expectations around youth are particularly viscous in the area I live in, and I am beginning to age myself.

I am becoming more cognizant of what it will be like to lose people as I age. While I am only forty-six, my oldest, dearest friend of thirty years is ill and getting sicker. I will lose her. This knowledge is hard but good. This will be helpful in attaining ego-integrity and watching her cope with her illness is teaching me how to model grace for younger friends. Graceful aging and wisdom are what I hope to embody in this stage. Will I manage it all the time? Very unlikely but being aware of these qualities gives one something positive and beautiful to focus on as the life process winds to a close. Erikson defines approaching death without fear as wisdom. I believe that this can happen at any age or stage. I am hopeful that I will have the knowledge and presence to have wisdom when the time comes.