Soulful Listening #2

Emotions of 24 hours
Soulful Listening Exercise

I was having some stressful moments around this activity as I had interpreted the suggestions as themes that must be covered, unfortunately. I now know that there is latitude and openness to form. However, I had already approached my woman-friends about doing an emotional inventory and was asked respectfully to be excused from participating. Still, doing the suggested theme of emotional inventory with my son was useful to me as it allowed me to be more cognizant of my impulse to give parental advice rather than simply listen with trust and respect. He seemed more open to being completely honest and open to me also—knowing the parameters as described. There was respectful listening on both of our parts but some interaction also.

The Set Up: I have decided to interpose my thoughts, comments, and wanderings within the speakers discourse. It will be bolded and in a different font. It seems to add more of a sense of continuity and immediacy.

As Listener:

My son (19) chose to start his inventory out with how he was feeling at the moment. He began describing his emotions as very calm, comfortable, and “not really giving a shit” about much of anything at the moment. (My thought at this point was that he was actually upset and feigning apathy and really wanted to ask if that was the case but did not.) But, he quickly clarified that statement to explain that he had had a rather upsetting night out with friends and had worked through most of the upset. He stated that he had gone out with some friends that he had not connected with for quite a while and was anticipating the evening. He was excited and pleased to have reconnected with them. He began describing the evening and his emotional state changing from pleased anticipation to a spectrum of emotions ranging from initial sadness at realizing that these friends had not changed nor grown as people since he had last hung out with them at fifteen. The sadness quickly evolved into a sense of annoyance at the fact that all they wanted to do was smoke marijuana to disgust when they began talking about girls. (I alternated between feeling proud of him for having grown past these activities and wanting to ask if he was still indulging in those same behaviors at present. However, in order to listen soulfully and respectfully, I refrained from making any comments at all and let him talk. Becoming more mindful of the soul’s needs through the readings and activities has helped me become more respectful of my son as a human being rather than simply my child to direct and protect. I found it easier for my attention to stay focused on the exercise this time also). He said that he had spent much of the remainder of the evening feeling deeply disgusted, angry, and repulsed. One of the young men is twenty and still dates and has sex with very young women; my son expressed his distaste with a great deal of anger and passion. He asked to be taken home and said that his dominant emotion was one of relief to not be in their presence as he was so repelled and disgusted. He came full circle to the present by saying he felt calm and peaceful because separation from those friends felt so good to him. (By this time, I was vacillating between being extremely proud of my son for his ability to respect women and to know when friendships are unhealthy and anger towards his friends for their reprehensible behaviors toward very young, vulnerable women. However, I did not interrupt or add any value judgments to listening or even afterward during the debriefing portion)

As speaker:

I am in a bit of a funk and feel sad and depressed. I also am “beating myself up” because it seems ungrateful given all the good things happening for me at present. I am self-informed enough to intellectually understand the sadness and depressed feelings are arising because of letting go of a friend whose behaviors seem to me to be morally, ethically, and spiritually bankrupt. As soon as I express those sentiments, the feelings of guilt around judging another human being creep in. I began questioning my spiritual evolution because I felt the emotions of disgust, annoyance, and repugnance toward the behavior and choices of a fellow human being. In an attempt to shift my state of being, I had a glass of wine and watched a movie with a couple of friends. In this time frame, I felt better, a little silly, and able to laugh and be light-hearted. I went to bed feeling relieved that I had “let it go” and had accepted that the situation “is what it is.” However, I woke up at five a.m. in a sorry emotional state. I felt anxiety around my new job—what if they don’t keep me on?” Fear that I would never be a success—whatever that means, and feeling rather sorry for myself because I am alone and seeing no prospects for companionship at my age. This train of thought took me straight to, “I’m old and ugly and no one will ever want to be with me.” I thought about all of these emotional whips of flagellation and wondered where in the hell did that come from? Once I began expressing some of this (not all: after all, this is my nineteen-year-old son), I realized that all this was associated with letting this particular friend go from my life. So, I have made a full-circle emotionally.

My Son’s Feedback:

My son was very respectful and quiet during my turn as speaker. He had the cat on his lap and seemed very comfortable yet attendant. He listened until I finished speaking. Because we were debriefing and had agreed that we could ask open-ended questions and make non-judgmental observations (as much as possible, anyhow), he made a very wise (and a little judgmental), I think, observation: he said that when a person has great potential qualities and the possibility to be more but chooses not to act from those potentialities and possibilities and acts badly and unethically; then that person is simply a bad person—by choice. Or more simply put: it is what it is and let it go. Very astute and sadly accurate, I think. Overall, it was an excellent soul experience. I am learning to listen more effectively regardless of who is speaking. I am developing a more trusting and adult relationship with my son, and this is a wonderful result. I think that learning to simply listen with respect to my son recount some, shall we say, less than stellar behaviors and not react with the need to direct and fix will help me in my professional setting. It is possible that I will hear many stories that are painful and uncomfortable and now I can be more discerning about when the soul just needs support and a safe environment to show itself.